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2005-04-12, 12:46 p.m.
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It is not better. Yesterday I worked thirteen hours and Evelyn did not nap the whole time I was gone. Mostly she screamed, apparently. And would not take bottles without a fight, and then only an ounce or two. Jason can't take it. I can't take it. She doesn't seem as happy as she used to be even when she's not fussy. When I'm home she naps a ton and so I don't get to play with her much. She just doesn't seem to be comfortable going to sleep unless I'm home. And by the time I'm home she's just exhausted. My upper-level residents are assheads and manipulate things such that I can't ever pump, and say bitchy things all the time about my friend Melissa because of how often she used to pump... she pumped for a whole year and her baby didn't nurse so she had to keep up her supply with just the pump. She's my hero. I am NOT pumping enough... I'm barely keeping up with Evie. Although most of the bottles we offer her end up down the sink. We just keep offering 3-4 ounces because every now and then she'll take the whole thing. But I'm not pumping enough to keep up my supply, even. The house is a mess. I need to work on it. I want to hold my baby but she's sleeping and she needs her sleep. I'm off today but on call on Thursday and next Tuesday, and my next day off isn't until next Thursday. And when I'm on call it's not like I'm at home waiting for calls..... I'm at work all day and all night. Nobody in my family seems to get this. I feel awful.
2005-04-06, 11:54 a.m.
eleven weeks
So. Going back to work and leaving my baby is definitely the hardest thing EVER. It is so, so horrible. The whole time I'm without her I just feel like something is wrong. And pumping sucks big time. When I was on call on Monday Jason brought the baby to the hospital so I could see her and nurse her... I thought I'd have an hour or so free but nope. She had been latched on for maybe two minutes when I got paged to go to a delivery right away. I had to take her off and she screamed, and then I had to rush in there and I'd been holding off pumping because I wanted to nurse her so by then my boobs were screaming, especially the one where she hadn't nursed at all. And I left my pump in the car when I had gone out there to nurse her, and so I couldn't even pump after the delivery. And there were all the babies around crying, and I called Jason to have him bring my pump back and just started sobbing. which I did for like thirty minutes at least... trying to write orders and sobbing, etc. I wanted to just walk out and never come back. My upper-level and my friend Melissa convinced me not to.. they both have kids and know how bad it sucks to work when you're baby's at home, especially to work for thirty hours straight when your baby's at home. They both say the first call is the worst. I don't know. I pumped a ton all night so my supply didn't go to crap, and I got up at 4 even though I'd just gotten to lay down at 2... luckily there were no deliveries after about 1. I rounded and got all my work done so I could get home fast and I ended up getting home about 10 am yesterday. Jason's mom had come to stay and help him, and she left and then I've just been staying within inches of my baby ever since. Today's my one day off of the week, which is nice since I ended up home so much yesterday, too. Sleep. Eh. Low priority now. I just napped when she napped in the afternoon and then slept at night. And I am NOT pumping today. I hate freaking pumping. Anyway. My friends are being wonderful.. Cari bought a baby swing and brought it by last night after hearing that Evie was so fussy while I was gone. We're going to lunch with Melissa and her husband who is a SAHD to their one-year-old. And now Evie's waking up so I'm going to get her. This sucks. So much. I don't know if I can do it.
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